The will to forget

Jesus, you know just how far the east is from the west. But I had forgotten. My daughter was in the backseat, groggy after being lifted out of bed at 11pm, and unhappy after having her little arm maneuvered through the shoulderbelt again. I was unhappy that she was unhappy, because it was my fault. Or so I kept telling myself.

Earlier in the day we were headed out the door for a children's event and in her excitement she slipped out the front door ahead of me and went straight for the stairs. Her brother was lagging behind, being naughty. I had one hand free so I snatched up my little girl from the precipice of the stairs, envisioning her fall end over end to the bottom. She cried in protest, but I was dealing with Mr Little Naughty pants who'd decided to drag blankie along on our walk rather than leave it on the couch as I had instructed. My little girl kept on crying. In a few minutes I started to get the idea that she was really hurting, not just angry at me. And an hour later when even being in my arms was no consolation, I knew it was for real. She was in pain, and it was my fault.

I guess you're probably thinking that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. After all, I was trying to protect her from a fall. And I suppose you're right, but I couldn't get over it. All those tears. She was in pain. And my mind went over and over the what-ifs. What if I hadn't let her out ahead of me? What if I hadn't been upset at my son...was I too rough with her? What if I had thought more clearly and not overreacted? Been more gentle? When my husband found out after work about what had happened, he seemed shocked that I hadn't already taken her to the doctor. It was by then 7pm and she wouldn't use the arm and cried if you touched it. What if I hadn't taken her to the doctor fast enough? I thought it was a pulled muscle, but what if I was wrong?

Driving to the ER at 11pm, I was in a dark place. By the time I was pulling into the parking lot at the hospital I was feeling as though my husband would leave me and that my kids would be better off without me. Some part of me tried to take a stand of faith. No, God's grace can cover this sin too. He can make good come of this. But all night I had been sipping a dangerous cocktail of fear and self-pity, and I couldn't summon up the faith. Weeping, I cried out and begged God to break into my world and speak to me.

I had been listening to Christian radio, hoping for something to encourage me, but up to that moment all of the songs had been of the happy do-wop variety, innocuous. But with the next song that came on, it felt as if Jesus were in the car with me. It was a Casting Crowns' song, a favorite of mine, and the words go like this:


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

I wept. As far as the east is from the west. I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in my again. In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

When the song got to the bridge, it was as though Jesus was in the car speaking directly to me in His own voice and not the song. Can't live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals. I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me. Not by what I feel. I had known better, but I had caved to feelings. But it was forgiven. He was holding on to me even when I had let go of His hand.

From that moment on I had to willfully reject the thoughts that condemned me. He had condemned my condemnation. In the face of doctors who I could tell didn't believe my story about what had happened, looking at me with veiled contempt for clearly having abused my daughter and lied about it. When my daughter was screaming on the X-ray table as her hurting arm was bent and shaped to the Tech's needs. When they wrapped her little arm in a splint that I knew would be a daily reminder to me of my failure to keep her from harm. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus."


Will I be more thoughtful and careful? yes. Will I cry when she continues to heal and hurt? oh yes. And will I walk in Jesus' sea of forgetfulness? Yes, I must. For He has forgiven and forgotten whatever wrongdoing I committed, and He is my Lord. And it occurs to me that maybe my constant self-reminding and self condemning is a greater sin than having been too hasty and rough on my little girl. If I reject Him and embrace condemnation, what hope is left for me? And how can I reject a forgiveness that cost Him so much, just so I can hate myself? It doesn't even make sense.

So today when my little girl wakes up, I'm going to love her through the pain, not waste energy beating myself up. That is what God requires of me right now. We live in the now and walk with God in the now. "Then" has been cast as far as the east is from the west.

Only dust

Yesterday was a hard one with the kids. They seemed unusually naughty and I felt unusually wiped out, and unable to cope. I didn't have any idea how to be a good mom, or what they needed. And honestly, my mind was often on what *I* most needed--some peace and a good nap.

I felt really badly about how I had handled the day's trials, and at Bible study last night I shared about what I was feeling with the group, and got some encouragement. One friend reminded me not to be too hard on myself, and I appreciated the reminder. But on the drive home I got to wondering, "Why? If I'm not hard on myself, is that being too relaxed about my sinfulness? Is that just taking advantage of God's grace?"

My fatigue kept plaguing me, and I barely had the strength to consider the answer to the question. I realized that I just don't have anything to give some days. And I told God so. And He answered back to my heart--Of course you have nothing to give; you are only made of dust. You were made to be filled with Me. And I realized that, once again, I was trying to do everything in my own strength, with my own goodness, but I had none. And I was never meant to walk apart from my Maker's presence, on my own strength. It was to be filled with His life and goodness that I was made--like an empty pot.

This morning, I called my Mom to see if she could take the kids for awhile, but she couldn't. And I just wanted to curl up in a ball in bed and be alone! But every time I have turned my heart to my Heavenly Father, I've found strength and wisdom and kindness enough to be Mom today. And to be me. One day I hope that I won't have to keep repeatedly turning to Him and offering my will and desires back to Him. I hope I can just BE with Him, all day. But I am so thankful that I CAN keep turning back and finding what I need moment by moment as I surrender.

I know if I keep entrusting my heart & life to Him, He'll keep caring for me, and for others through me.

An 11:11 Wish

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. I'm not the type of person who likes to make waves with others. I usually avoid it. Whenever anyone is upset with me or disagrees with me, I feel like I am the one who is wrong and even feel badly or guilty. And when I share the things that I feel so deeply convicted about as being true about God and how He wants to interact with us, I get really nervous. Everyday I pray, earnestly asking God not to let me speak (or write) anything untrue, but only what is true and what He wants people to know. And everyday I find myself moved to share honestly, and I agonize over the words I choose, always checking my heart to make sure I write from a desire to help others and never to make myself look smart or manipulate anyone. And sometimes, I do feel the Spirit stop me or convict me.

About 10 days ago my sister in law suggested I write a Facebook post about the Trinity, since I told her what I had learned about it had been so influential in my life. I balked at the suggestion, knowing that what I would have to write would be the most controversial thing I had ever said (or at least feel that way). If I weren't me, I would write angry comments like "Who do you think you are?" in response. Yet I grew up feeling like I was missing something in my faith, and God generously spoke into my life to guide me closer to Him. It seemed like something worth sharing.

Anyway, I've lived in a state of anxiety for awhile now, and after the last post I felt like I needed some help. Some encouragement. I wished I were stronger and could just keep going, and I suppose I could, but last night at 11:11 God asked me what I wished for. When I was a child I used to play a game with a friend where everyday at 11:11 we'd make a wish, since it was the only time that all of the numbers were the same. So it struck me funny that God would play that game with me, but I felt His touch and knew it was Him. So I thought for a moment and told Him I needed some encouragement.

This morning first thing I got a timely word of encouragement from an unexpected source. It was exactly what i needed to hear, though I could not have guessed beforehand just what would buoy me up so well. Thank God for His kindness toward us, who are so weak.

A little help

Today God showed His compassion to me once again. Last night I was sick and didn't get very much sleep and couldn't do anything about it. We had a long day yesterday and Father's day would likely be just as busy, and I began to worry about how I was going to make it. I didn't want to let anyone down, but if my kids woke up at their normal time I wasn't sure I would even be able to get out of bed, much less do all the day demanded. Anyway, somewhere in the middle of the night I prayed and told God that I was at His mercy. He had cared for me in the past and I knew I'd make it through the coming day if I just placed myself and my needs completely in His hands. Well, I finally fell asleep somewhere around 530am, but the kids didn't wake up till almost 10. More than that, Kurt let me stay in bed and got them up himself, even though it was Father's Day and he should have been the one lounging around. Thank God for these small kindnesses.

Thy Will be done

I used to make myself pray "Thy will be done" because I knew I should. That was what I was supposed to say, right? But when I read Dallas Willard's book The Divine Conspiracy I had my eyes opened to a new way of understanding the Lord's prayer--these things we pray with joy and enthusiasm--we say "Thy will be done" with an exclamation mark and a "hallelujah!". Or at least we should...He talked about a God in his book that I barely knew, a God who is joyful like waves crashing on the shore, a God whose goodness is too deep to fathom. I wanted to know that God, and I wanted to pray the Lord's prayer with an exclamation mark.

I began by dwelling on the words of the prayer and asking the Lord to open my eyes to who He is. In time, I began to feel His heart, get a sense of His longings for the world. When I got to "Thy will be done," I had a deep sense of the world's need for His good will, for His kingdom "to come." Justice, mercy, love, compassion...and it started with me. At least in my own little life I could see Him bringing about His will each day, and it was truly good. I was delighted and humbled and awed to see Him at work. And tonight I got to wondering what would happen if we all, who call on His Name, every day asked for His will to be done on earth--knowing, believing that He would answer and watching in eager expectation for that goodness. I think things would be drastically different. Not just because of the miraculous interventions which would come, but because of His goodness at work through each of us. Because of course we can't ask for His will to be done and then deny Him anything in us. Its a difficult process, but I have found it much more than worth it.

God's goodness has become like an anchor for me. Even when things are hard, I know and repeat to myself that He *is* good, no matter how I feel at that moment about life, I know that He is always within me and always good, and I will know that goodness. I want the whole world to know it! To have that anchor. To also be able to say enthusiastically, "Thy will be done, O wonderful Father! We need Your goodness, Your mercy, Your help. Come here through us and set things straight!"

Unbelievable Joy

Tonight I woke up sick, the really painful, miserable, drive-you-out-of-your-mind

kind of sick. As I sat up enduring it, I turned my mind and heart to the Lord, asking for His presence and help to endure the suffering until it had run its course (and of course for His mercy to end it). At some moments my pain was so intense I could barely keep Him in mind, but I determined not to give in to pain and let it consume me. Instead I determined to fix my mind and hope on my Lord and wait for Him to answer my cry for mercy.

It was surprisingly short-lived, and when it ended, I was left with a such a tremor of joy--He was so near. I felt almost a euphoria of peace, and so much joy welled up inside of me at being so near to Him. It wasn't merely relief at the end of suffering; I felt as though I were in heaven already, with Him, and it seemed to me that I couldn't remember ever having suffered before in my life. If you had asked me at that moment, I would have said with perfect honesty that I hadn't!

Immediately I realized that it was the perfect picture of what I had experienced earlier this morning, when the Lord showed me how I was covered by His goodness and headed to a destiny that was so unbelievably good it would overwhelm anything I had ever called "suffering". In fact, I thought of Carol's words in response to a previous entry--that we would look back and call the times we suffered the best times. The closeness to God and the joy I experienced as a result of this short trial made me give such thanks to God, and to see this trial as a GIFT. My friends, my fellow believers in Jesus Christ, we are headed to something unspeakably, unbelievably good. It is here for us now and goes on to eternity. I never would have imagined that suffering was part of the abundant life, but it turns out somehow that it is necessary to it, and the suffering itself is turned into a glory. Praise God whose goodness truly knows no limit!

The mantle of goodness

This morning I was lying in bed thinking about the day as usual, and was once again asked by the Lord what was bothering me. I was still thinking about goodness and suffering, and while I am more willing than before to believe that everything that happens to me is good, I kept imagining losing Kurt or my kids, and it felt so horrible.

At the moment of my confession to God, for just a moment, the red blanket I was lying under seemed to take on a divine quality. I knew God was helping me to understand something. The blanket spread over me in almost luxurious folds of soft fabric, and it seemed more like a king's mantle than my same old blanket. It was the mantle of a king who emanated goodness, and He had laid that goodness over me, over my life, as a generous gift. That goodness became my reality and felt total peace and joy.

For that moment I felt that nothing bad had ever or would ever happen to me. It was like breathing goodness or swimming in it. And yet after that fleeting glimpse ended, I said, "But Lord, it still hurts sometimes." Just then, in my mind, I saw myself walking with my son. His feet hurt and he was tired, but I knew we were going someplace truly wonderful. (I didn't have a specific place in mind and I don't think there is anywhere on earth that compares to the wonder and awe I perceived to be surrounding this Place, but maybe as a crude comparison we could say it was Disneyland). I could tell my son about "Disneyland" but he couldn't really understand, since he'd never been there before. All he knew was that his feet hurt, but I knew that if only he knew where we were going and what it meant, he would not think about his aching feet.

It is a timeless comparison, but it suddenly seemed very real and true to me. I had for a moment tasted the awesome goodness of God toward me, and experienced a taste of where those who call Jesus their Lord are headed. I hope I can keep that perspective in whatever comes. I pray that He helps me remember.

Another Alaska story

Our trips to Alaska were two rather frightening experiences for this city girl. I feel lonely and overwhelemed in open spaces, and for each trip I remember praying a lot for protection and strength. Before our second trip I had an interesting experience in prayer. I was awake but the room I was in seemed to be like a peaceful campsite all of a sudden, and I felt the Lord assuring me that no harm would come to us on the trip. In particular, I somehow knew that we would not be harmed by bears.

Despite that experience in prayer, I still struggled with being terribly afraid. Everyday it was an act of will to turn to God in faith and to draw on Him for strength to keep going (it was a gruelling trip since there are no trails in Denali, just wilderness. We had to use a topo map to decide where to hike, which sometimes led to surprises).

Towards the end of our week backpacking, we made our way down a river valley that was full of dense willow bushes. These bushes are taller than people and can easily hide even large animals like bears or moose. We made as much noise as possible to warn animals in the vicinity that we were coming (sometimes a bad confrontation can be avoided if surprise is eliminated from the equation). But nonetheless we were pretty tense and eager to get out of that valley.

It was hard to tell from our topo map where the river would be good to cross, and we came to a point where we were considering fording the river. I prayed a moment, and felt that we should not cross, but keep going as we were. Not much further along, I glanced across the river and saw a mother grizzly with two cubs headed upstream on the opposite bank. They were maybe 50 feet away, though in my memory they were almost close enough to touch. My heart stopped and I stared at her. She glanced at me and just kept walking. When I had calmed down enough to think, I realized that if we had crossed the river, there was a good chance we would have been nose to nose with her. I remember very clearly that at that moment the Lord spoke to me and said, You see, I am able to keep you from harm.

The best bologna sandwich ever

My last post reminded me of an answered prayer story I have from one of our Alaska trips. Kurt and I had been backpacking the wilderness of Denali National Park for 8 days and our food was running low. I was pregnant at the time and I thought all of our food tasted like white gas--"all" of our food being, as I recall, mostly peanut M&M's and half a bag of wheat thins. I was very hungry and anxious to get out to the road and catch a bus back to the entrance area and the restaurant there.

As we were approaching the road and my heart soared with anticipation of getting out of the woods, Kurt said that he wanted to catch the bus in the opposite direction to see Mt. McKinley--a two hour ride with no food along the way. I told him i was starving and couldn't wait any longer, but he *really* wanted to go. As I was fuming silently to myself, the Lord asked me why I had come on the trip. Well, for Kurt, I replied. Then let him go see the mountain. But Lord, I'm so hungry! I will provide food for you.

I had a little crisis of faith there--was I really hearing Him say that? But I decided to trust and agreed to go to see the mountain with Kurt. Not 10 minutes later on the bus ride, this guy in front of us turned around and said, "hey, we're getting off at the next stop and can't take all this food with us. Do you want it?" My jaw about hit the floor. We got Cliff bars and baked goodies and jerky and a vegetarian bologna sandwich. Not something I would normally have chosen from a menu, but I tell you I ate every bite with tears of thanksgiving. I don't think it could have tasted better if it were a steak dinner.

Horribly good

A good friend of mine is a chaplain at a hospital, and yesterday she shared a story with me that really impacted me. She talked to a woman the other day who told her that nothing bad had ever happened in her life. My friend asked what she meant, and the woman replied that God is good and sovereign, and everything that has happened to her as His child has therefore been good. She shared how she was once in a terrible accident and had to stay in the hospital. There was a baby there at that time who had no mother, and this woman ended up adopting the child. It was a great blessing in her life that she would have missed had she not been in the hospital. She saw all of the events of her life in that way--everything that happened was for good. I was stunned by her faith, and envious of it!

This morning I was thinking about it and told God I wanted that faith. Sometimes I feel like bad things happen by mistake, like" if I had only done X then this wouldn't have happened." Or maybe I felt like God had looked away for a moment and forgotten me. But I wanted to believe with every fiber of my being, like that woman, that truly "all things work together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to His purpose. " (Rom 8:28)

I looked back over my life for a bit. I've been abused, struggled with depression, and known uncertainty, hunger and terror in the Alaskan wilderness--and seen God's protection and provision. In even the darkest moment of my life, I had to admit that there seemed to be a "glow" about the memories. He was there. It brought to mind a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love: "[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." It is SO true! He goes on to say that the saved will say in the end that they had always been in heaven. I believe that it's true.

But Lord, I asked, what about the people suffering all over the world? That can't be good, can it? Are you ignoring them? And then it came to mind that God's purpose at all times in every place and generation is to bring people to Himself. The goal is to restore relationship, a relationship that every person was created to have with Him for eternity. But He won't force people to love or acknowledge Him. He made them free, free to love or reject Him. He may withdraw His hand of protection and allow the enemy to cause suffering, but the goal is not the pain itself, which He feels with them, but the goal is that they might turn to Him in their need and find peace and fulfillment, true rest, in relationship with Him. I knew it was true, but it still felt wrong. Then He asked me Is a dentist's drill evil? It is the most horrible instrument I can think of, but no, it isn't evil. Its a tool for good. And that, I realized, is what suffering is.

Alarm clock

This morning I woke up just before 6 and a couple of people who needed prayer came to mind. I started praying for them but soon began falling back to sleep. I fought the sleepiness, determined to keep on in prayer. Kurt's alarm went off, and the song on the radio was Led Zeppelin's All of My Love. Made me laugh cause it seemed like that was what it would take to stay awake and pray. The thought crossed my mind that I should have gotten up and gone to the other room (that is, get away from my pillow) but I told myself I could stay awake. Hmmm.

Just before I was fully asleep, I asked God to help me stay awake. Kurt's alarm went off again. I popped back awake and kept praying. I started to doze...Lord help me stay awake! Then the trashtruck came by and I was wide awake again. Again I started praying, and when I started to doze I asked for help, and this time the firetruck across the street honked its horn. This cycle continued for a long time. Every time I asked for help something would wake me up again: the firetruck again, Kurt saying goodbye for the day, the firetruck again. By 8:30 I managed to finish praying, just moments before I heard my kids awake in their room. I kind of had to laugh about it all. Thanks, Lord, for being such a faithful alarm clock.

orange chicken

This happened last week, and I am just now able to get to sharing. Wednesday I woke up and for some reason thought that I just had to have orange chicken stir fry for dinner. It just sounded really good to me. A little later that morning on Rachael Ray's show, she was making...you guessed it...orange chicken stir fry. I planned to run to the store and buy the ingredients. As I was getting the kids ready to leave, it occurred to me that I should bring Kurt some extra lunch, because I thought maybe what I had packed wouldn't be enough (he's running these days and I tend to underestimate his appetite). I grabbed some leftovers and the kids and headed out the door.

On the way to the store I had this feeling I needed to go see Kurt first. But then Ellie was getting tired and I was a little tired and thought, "Oh, Kurt will be fine. I don't need to drive all the way to VC for extra lunch." I was about to get off the freeway for the store, when I felt this sense I really needed to go to VC anyway. I knew it was the Lord leading me, so I turned off my blinker.

When I got there, Kurt was happy to see us but said he actually didn't need the food because he still had some other lunch left from the day before. ugh. Waste of time. But then a coworker of his came in and it turned out that she needed a lunch. Oh, OK. Not a wasted trip afterall.

By the time we got out of there Ellie was so tired and cranky I knew I had to skip the store and get her home for a nap. There wouldn't be another opportunity that day for a trip to the store. I was bummed about the orange chicken but there was nothing to be done about it.

Later that day I got a call from a friend who just happened to be going to a grocery store in my neighborhood and wanted to know if I needed anything. (!) I know I didn't *ask* God for the orange chicken, but I suspected that this was His little reward for obeying His leading earlier in the day. Seems like a fair trade--give a meal, get a meal. :)

Anxiousness about food

I get really overwhelmed by all of the information out there concerning what to eat and what not to eat, and in what proportions and with what other foods at the same time. There's so much research and people are always changing their minds. It left me feeling this constant anxiety, like no matter what I ate, it was going to be the wrong thing. Hunger seemed like a better option a lot of the time!

Tuesday morning I was sharing my anxieties with the Lord, and the food issue came up. I asked Him to help me know what to eat so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. He answered me with a question. Why are you so anxious to preserve your body, as though I am not Lord over it?

I was wasting energy worrying about "what to eat and drink" just as Jesus commanded us not to. He told us that the Father knows even the hairs on our heads and feeds the sparrows. And the sparrows don't obsess over whether their breadcrumbs are whole grain or not. If they could speak, they would just give thanks.

God also answered my request for wisdom. I've been thinking about something a good friend shared with me, and found that it's really true: our bodies tell us what they want to eat. Want a chocolate bar? Eat it. Tomorrow you'll want a salad. And it's true! Sometimes it's just my brain telling me to eat something sweet or comforty, and thats the voice of something more like an addiction. But when I listen to my stomach, I find myself wanting a good healthy variety of foods. Problem solved. What a major relief!!

What about you?

How has God answered your prayers?

$1000

In our first year of marriage, Kurt and I didn't have much money. He was working in construction and it rained a lot that year so the job sites would close. I really don't know how it worked out every month, but somehow all of our bills got paid and we always had food.

A couple of times I got to see God answer prayer almost miraculously. One of those times was on a Friday. The rent was due Monday and we were short by about $600. There were no paychecks coming. I sat in my apartment freaking out, wondering about the worst. I told God that I knew He said He'd provide, but it was so hard to believe when I couldn't see any way that we were going to get money, especially that much money, before Monday. He answered me What would you do today if you had the money for rent? Um, well...I'd go to the zoo and draw. If you trust Me, then go and draw as if you already had the money. I didn't know if I could do it. I wanted to close the shades and sit and mope. But I decided to take God at His word, so I picked up my sketchbook and shoved my own little backside out the door.

I had a great day drawing, and stopped worrying. When I got home, there was a check for $1000 in our mailbox. A relative had sent it, not knowing we had any need at all.

A Tap on the Shoulder

Remember how I said I wanted to share all of my thoughts with God? I still forget to do it most of the time. Thankfully, though, He wants to help me. On a couple of occasions I was thinking deeply about desires or concerns I had, and suddenly God seemed to tap me on the shoulder, making His presence known to me. And He seemed to say, "My dear one, tell me what you're thinking about." I could feel how much He cared, like my deep concerns were just as deep to Him. We had such a sweet intimacy as I shared with Him, and He also blessed me with wisdom and peace in response. Very much like we were having a two-way conversation. I hope I get to the point where I don't need to be tapped on the shoulder anymore because I don't want to miss out on any of this relationship.

Love to you all! ~Jenn

Learning about Healing

Something that I've really wanted to understand is about praying for healing. Jesus told people that it was their faith that healed them, and the gospels record that He didn't do miracles in certain places due to the the people's lack of faith.

I can definitely say that I have not had much faith for healings in the past. How could I believe that God would heal someone if I didn't know that that was what He wanted to do? So many people pray and don't get healed. Do they all have too little faith? Maybe it was just that God didn't want to heal in those cases. So one day it occurred to me: Ask Him. I was so tired of guessing at what He thought was good. I wanted to know Him. And I knew that whatever He wanted to do, heal or not, would be good.

Every prayer was a little different. One time, a friend of mine was sick in the hospital after undergoing some treatments, and each day as I prayed, the Lord would lay different needs on my heart. I got to see God answering those needs directly. I would become aware of a specific need and feel God's great compassion. Then I simply asked the Lord to care for it. He was laying His own desires on my heart and then doing the work to care for them. I truly became just a vessel for His love and power.

At first I had thought that the goal was to see miracles, but I have learned through these experiences of asking His will that He often just works through natural systems like medicine or an immune system to care for people. I think He was often protecting people from further harm. And sometimes He intervened in clearly miraculous ways. But the common factor is His care for His people.

All of eternity is in My hands

This morning I was lying in bed going over everything I wanted to do in my mind. I thought a lot about the article and some artwork I'd like to do to go along with it, praying about the ideas and asking for help. After awhile I was suddenly struck with guilt over the fact that I hadn't gotten my kids up yet. Then the pressures of the day dropped on me like a lead cloud and I felt bewildered.

I decided that I just couldn't get up without spending a moment in prayer about the day, so I began in the Lord's prayer, trying to quiet my heart before Him and sincerely ask that His will would be done on earth. I don't remember how far I got into the prayer, but all of a sudden the pressure I was feeling dissipated. He seemed to say to me All of eternity is in My hands. I was overcome with a sense of perfect peace, like it was downright absurd for me to feel pressure or stress about anything. "But Lord," I asked, "I know that there are some things that You won't do unless we ask You to. How much do I need to pray about, and how much will You just do?" Immediately I got a response. Talk to Me about everything. Every desire, thought, fear. He wants me to share my whole life with Him, at every moment. And since I know that He hears everything I say to Him, I can also be fully confident that He is caring for every concern of mine, down to the tiniest detail.

Share, rejoice, listen. Share, rejoice, listen. Share, rejoice, listen. I'm so thankful for His answer today!

Before I even asked...

Yesterday it seemed like nothing was going right. Ellie and several of her belongings had already required a bath before noon, and William had been grumpy and difficult all morning. I wanted to work on a magazine article I've been feeling called to write, but it didn't look like there would ever be peace or time to think about it, let alone write and refine it.

I sat down on the floor next William (who was having another of his fits) and wondered to myself why God would allow all of these things to go wrong if I was supposed to be writing. Then something funny happened. Rather than being annoyed at William, I was suddenly full of compassion. "What is it, sweetie? What's frustrating you so much?" He thumped his hand angrily on the floor in response. "Mommy wants you to have a good day today. Just tell me why you're unhappy and I'll see if I can make it better." All the while I was talking, I felt like God was actually talking to ME with the same words. I realized that I had never asked Him to intervene in the day. I just assumed He was somehow testing me.

After that, in my heart, I told the Lord that I really wanted to write. And suddenly events started aligning themselves so that I would have a few hours alone to focus. It was kind of jaw-dropping to watch. I walked out of the room and Kurt offered to take William shopping. Ellie was asleep. The boys watched TV for a bit while we ate lunch, and during that lull I was able to think. By the time they left, my mind was ordered and I was ready to sit down and write. (I got an outline together that I feel good about. It was fantastic!)

Writing this, I can't believe how quickly I forget that God and I are in a relationship. He wants me to share my thoughts and feelings and desires with Him, to ask for help. So today's goal: TALK to Him about what's wrong.