Only dust

Yesterday was a hard one with the kids. They seemed unusually naughty and I felt unusually wiped out, and unable to cope. I didn't have any idea how to be a good mom, or what they needed. And honestly, my mind was often on what *I* most needed--some peace and a good nap.

I felt really badly about how I had handled the day's trials, and at Bible study last night I shared about what I was feeling with the group, and got some encouragement. One friend reminded me not to be too hard on myself, and I appreciated the reminder. But on the drive home I got to wondering, "Why? If I'm not hard on myself, is that being too relaxed about my sinfulness? Is that just taking advantage of God's grace?"

My fatigue kept plaguing me, and I barely had the strength to consider the answer to the question. I realized that I just don't have anything to give some days. And I told God so. And He answered back to my heart--Of course you have nothing to give; you are only made of dust. You were made to be filled with Me. And I realized that, once again, I was trying to do everything in my own strength, with my own goodness, but I had none. And I was never meant to walk apart from my Maker's presence, on my own strength. It was to be filled with His life and goodness that I was made--like an empty pot.

This morning, I called my Mom to see if she could take the kids for awhile, but she couldn't. And I just wanted to curl up in a ball in bed and be alone! But every time I have turned my heart to my Heavenly Father, I've found strength and wisdom and kindness enough to be Mom today. And to be me. One day I hope that I won't have to keep repeatedly turning to Him and offering my will and desires back to Him. I hope I can just BE with Him, all day. But I am so thankful that I CAN keep turning back and finding what I need moment by moment as I surrender.

I know if I keep entrusting my heart & life to Him, He'll keep caring for me, and for others through me.