The will to forget

Jesus, you know just how far the east is from the west. But I had forgotten. My daughter was in the backseat, groggy after being lifted out of bed at 11pm, and unhappy after having her little arm maneuvered through the shoulderbelt again. I was unhappy that she was unhappy, because it was my fault. Or so I kept telling myself.

Earlier in the day we were headed out the door for a children's event and in her excitement she slipped out the front door ahead of me and went straight for the stairs. Her brother was lagging behind, being naughty. I had one hand free so I snatched up my little girl from the precipice of the stairs, envisioning her fall end over end to the bottom. She cried in protest, but I was dealing with Mr Little Naughty pants who'd decided to drag blankie along on our walk rather than leave it on the couch as I had instructed. My little girl kept on crying. In a few minutes I started to get the idea that she was really hurting, not just angry at me. And an hour later when even being in my arms was no consolation, I knew it was for real. She was in pain, and it was my fault.

I guess you're probably thinking that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. After all, I was trying to protect her from a fall. And I suppose you're right, but I couldn't get over it. All those tears. She was in pain. And my mind went over and over the what-ifs. What if I hadn't let her out ahead of me? What if I hadn't been upset at my son...was I too rough with her? What if I had thought more clearly and not overreacted? Been more gentle? When my husband found out after work about what had happened, he seemed shocked that I hadn't already taken her to the doctor. It was by then 7pm and she wouldn't use the arm and cried if you touched it. What if I hadn't taken her to the doctor fast enough? I thought it was a pulled muscle, but what if I was wrong?

Driving to the ER at 11pm, I was in a dark place. By the time I was pulling into the parking lot at the hospital I was feeling as though my husband would leave me and that my kids would be better off without me. Some part of me tried to take a stand of faith. No, God's grace can cover this sin too. He can make good come of this. But all night I had been sipping a dangerous cocktail of fear and self-pity, and I couldn't summon up the faith. Weeping, I cried out and begged God to break into my world and speak to me.

I had been listening to Christian radio, hoping for something to encourage me, but up to that moment all of the songs had been of the happy do-wop variety, innocuous. But with the next song that came on, it felt as if Jesus were in the car with me. It was a Casting Crowns' song, a favorite of mine, and the words go like this:


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

I wept. As far as the east is from the west. I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in my again. In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

When the song got to the bridge, it was as though Jesus was in the car speaking directly to me in His own voice and not the song. Can't live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals. I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me. Not by what I feel. I had known better, but I had caved to feelings. But it was forgiven. He was holding on to me even when I had let go of His hand.

From that moment on I had to willfully reject the thoughts that condemned me. He had condemned my condemnation. In the face of doctors who I could tell didn't believe my story about what had happened, looking at me with veiled contempt for clearly having abused my daughter and lied about it. When my daughter was screaming on the X-ray table as her hurting arm was bent and shaped to the Tech's needs. When they wrapped her little arm in a splint that I knew would be a daily reminder to me of my failure to keep her from harm. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus."


Will I be more thoughtful and careful? yes. Will I cry when she continues to heal and hurt? oh yes. And will I walk in Jesus' sea of forgetfulness? Yes, I must. For He has forgiven and forgotten whatever wrongdoing I committed, and He is my Lord. And it occurs to me that maybe my constant self-reminding and self condemning is a greater sin than having been too hasty and rough on my little girl. If I reject Him and embrace condemnation, what hope is left for me? And how can I reject a forgiveness that cost Him so much, just so I can hate myself? It doesn't even make sense.

So today when my little girl wakes up, I'm going to love her through the pain, not waste energy beating myself up. That is what God requires of me right now. We live in the now and walk with God in the now. "Then" has been cast as far as the east is from the west.