The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. I'm not the type of person who likes to make waves with others. I usually avoid it. Whenever anyone is upset with me or disagrees with me, I feel like I am the one who is wrong and even feel badly or guilty. And when I share the things that I feel so deeply convicted about as being true about God and how He wants to interact with us, I get really nervous. Everyday I pray, earnestly asking God not to let me speak (or write) anything untrue, but only what is true and what He wants people to know. And everyday I find myself moved to share honestly, and I agonize over the words I choose, always checking my heart to make sure I write from a desire to help others and never to make myself look smart or manipulate anyone. And sometimes, I do feel the Spirit stop me or convict me.
About 10 days ago my sister in law suggested I write a Facebook post about the Trinity, since I told her what I had learned about it had been so influential in my life. I balked at the suggestion, knowing that what I would have to write would be the most controversial thing I had ever said (or at least feel that way). If I weren't me, I would write angry comments like "Who do you think you are?" in response. Yet I grew up feeling like I was missing something in my faith, and God generously spoke into my life to guide me closer to Him. It seemed like something worth sharing.
Anyway, I've lived in a state of anxiety for awhile now, and after the last post I felt like I needed some help. Some encouragement. I wished I were stronger and could just keep going, and I suppose I could, but last night at 11:11 God asked me what I wished for. When I was a child I used to play a game with a friend where everyday at 11:11 we'd make a wish, since it was the only time that all of the numbers were the same. So it struck me funny that God would play that game with me, but I felt His touch and knew it was Him. So I thought for a moment and told Him I needed some encouragement.
This morning first thing I got a timely word of encouragement from an unexpected source. It was exactly what i needed to hear, though I could not have guessed beforehand just what would buoy me up so well. Thank God for His kindness toward us, who are so weak.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A little help
Today God showed His compassion to me once again. Last night I was sick and didn't get very much sleep and couldn't do anything about it. We had a long day yesterday and Father's day would likely be just as busy, and I began to worry about how I was going to make it. I didn't want to let anyone down, but if my kids woke up at their normal time I wasn't sure I would even be able to get out of bed, much less do all the day demanded. Anyway, somewhere in the middle of the night I prayed and told God that I was at His mercy. He had cared for me in the past and I knew I'd make it through the coming day if I just placed myself and my needs completely in His hands. Well, I finally fell asleep somewhere around 530am, but the kids didn't wake up till almost 10. More than that, Kurt let me stay in bed and got them up himself, even though it was Father's Day and he should have been the one lounging around. Thank God for these small kindnesses.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thy Will be done
I used to make myself pray "Thy will be done" because I knew I should. That was what I was supposed to say, right? But when I read Dallas Willard's book The Divine Conspiracy I had my eyes opened to a new way of understanding the Lord's prayer--these things we pray with joy and enthusiasm--we say "Thy will be done" with an exclamation mark and a "hallelujah!". Or at least we should...He talked about a God in his book that I barely knew, a God who is joyful like waves crashing on the shore, a God whose goodness is too deep to fathom. I wanted to know that God, and I wanted to pray the Lord's prayer with an exclamation mark.
I began by dwelling on the words of the prayer and asking the Lord to open my eyes to who He is. In time, I began to feel His heart, get a sense of His longings for the world. When I got to "Thy will be done," I had a deep sense of the world's need for His good will, for His kingdom "to come." Justice, mercy, love, compassion...and it started with me. At least in my own little life I could see Him bringing about His will each day, and it was truly good. I was delighted and humbled and awed to see Him at work. And tonight I got to wondering what would happen if we all, who call on His Name, every day asked for His will to be done on earth--knowing, believing that He would answer and watching in eager expectation for that goodness. I think things would be drastically different. Not just because of the miraculous interventions which would come, but because of His goodness at work through each of us. Because of course we can't ask for His will to be done and then deny Him anything in us. Its a difficult process, but I have found it much more than worth it.
God's goodness has become like an anchor for me. Even when things are hard, I know and repeat to myself that He *is* good, no matter how I feel at that moment about life, I know that He is always within me and always good, and I will know that goodness. I want the whole world to know it! To have that anchor. To also be able to say enthusiastically, "Thy will be done, O wonderful Father! We need Your goodness, Your mercy, Your help. Come here through us and set things straight!"
I began by dwelling on the words of the prayer and asking the Lord to open my eyes to who He is. In time, I began to feel His heart, get a sense of His longings for the world. When I got to "Thy will be done," I had a deep sense of the world's need for His good will, for His kingdom "to come." Justice, mercy, love, compassion...and it started with me. At least in my own little life I could see Him bringing about His will each day, and it was truly good. I was delighted and humbled and awed to see Him at work. And tonight I got to wondering what would happen if we all, who call on His Name, every day asked for His will to be done on earth--knowing, believing that He would answer and watching in eager expectation for that goodness. I think things would be drastically different. Not just because of the miraculous interventions which would come, but because of His goodness at work through each of us. Because of course we can't ask for His will to be done and then deny Him anything in us. Its a difficult process, but I have found it much more than worth it.
God's goodness has become like an anchor for me. Even when things are hard, I know and repeat to myself that He *is* good, no matter how I feel at that moment about life, I know that He is always within me and always good, and I will know that goodness. I want the whole world to know it! To have that anchor. To also be able to say enthusiastically, "Thy will be done, O wonderful Father! We need Your goodness, Your mercy, Your help. Come here through us and set things straight!"
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Unbelievable Joy
Tonight I woke up sick, the really painful, miserable, drive-you-out-of-your-mind kind of sick. As I sat up enduring it, I turned my mind and heart to the Lord, asking for His presence and help to endure the suffering until it had run its course (and of course for His mercy to end it). At some moments my pain was so intense I could barely keep Him in mind, but I determined not to give in to pain and let it consume me. Instead I determined to fix my mind and hope on my Lord and wait for Him to answer my cry for mercy.
It was surprisingly short-lived, and when it ended, I was left with a such a tremor of joy--He was so near. I felt almost a euphoria of peace, and so much joy welled up inside of me at being so near to Him. It wasn't merely relief at the end of suffering; I felt as though I were in heaven already, with Him, and it seemed to me that I couldn't remember ever having suffered before in my life. If you had asked me at that moment, I would have said with perfect honesty that I hadn't!
Immediately I realized that it was the perfect picture of what I had experienced earlier this morning, when the Lord showed me how I was covered by His goodness and headed to a destiny that was so unbelievably good it would overwhelm anything I had ever called "suffering". In fact, I thought of Carol's words in response to a previous entry--that we would look back and call the times we suffered the best times. The closeness to God and the joy I experienced as a result of this short trial made me give such thanks to God, and to see this trial as a GIFT. My friends, my fellow believers in Jesus Christ, we are headed to something unspeakably, unbelievably good. It is here for us now and goes on to eternity. I never would have imagined that suffering was part of the abundant life, but it turns out somehow that it is necessary to it, and the suffering itself is turned into a glory. Praise God whose goodness truly knows no limit!
It was surprisingly short-lived, and when it ended, I was left with a such a tremor of joy--He was so near. I felt almost a euphoria of peace, and so much joy welled up inside of me at being so near to Him. It wasn't merely relief at the end of suffering; I felt as though I were in heaven already, with Him, and it seemed to me that I couldn't remember ever having suffered before in my life. If you had asked me at that moment, I would have said with perfect honesty that I hadn't!
Immediately I realized that it was the perfect picture of what I had experienced earlier this morning, when the Lord showed me how I was covered by His goodness and headed to a destiny that was so unbelievably good it would overwhelm anything I had ever called "suffering". In fact, I thought of Carol's words in response to a previous entry--that we would look back and call the times we suffered the best times. The closeness to God and the joy I experienced as a result of this short trial made me give such thanks to God, and to see this trial as a GIFT. My friends, my fellow believers in Jesus Christ, we are headed to something unspeakably, unbelievably good. It is here for us now and goes on to eternity. I never would have imagined that suffering was part of the abundant life, but it turns out somehow that it is necessary to it, and the suffering itself is turned into a glory. Praise God whose goodness truly knows no limit!
Monday, June 1, 2009
The mantle of goodness
This morning I was lying in bed thinking about the day as usual, and was once again asked by the Lord what was bothering me. I was still thinking about goodness and suffering, and while I am more willing than before to believe that everything that happens to me is good, I kept imagining losing Kurt or my kids, and it felt so horrible.
At the moment of my confession to God, for just a moment, the red blanket I was lying under seemed to take on a divine quality. I knew God was helping me to understand something. The blanket spread over me in almost luxurious folds of soft fabric, and it seemed more like a king's mantle than my same old blanket. It was the mantle of a king who emanated goodness, and He had laid that goodness over me, over my life, as a generous gift. That goodness became my reality and felt total peace and joy.
For that moment I felt that nothing bad had ever or would ever happen to me. It was like breathing goodness or swimming in it. And yet after that fleeting glimpse ended, I said, "But Lord, it still hurts sometimes." Just then, in my mind, I saw myself walking with my son. His feet hurt and he was tired, but I knew we were going someplace truly wonderful. (I didn't have a specific place in mind and I don't think there is anywhere on earth that compares to the wonder and awe I perceived to be surrounding this Place, but maybe as a crude comparison we could say it was Disneyland). I could tell my son about "Disneyland" but he couldn't really understand, since he'd never been there before. All he knew was that his feet hurt, but I knew that if only he knew where we were going and what it meant, he would not think about his aching feet.
It is a timeless comparison, but it suddenly seemed very real and true to me. I had for a moment tasted the awesome goodness of God toward me, and experienced a taste of where those who call Jesus their Lord are headed. I hope I can keep that perspective in whatever comes. I pray that He helps me remember.
At the moment of my confession to God, for just a moment, the red blanket I was lying under seemed to take on a divine quality. I knew God was helping me to understand something. The blanket spread over me in almost luxurious folds of soft fabric, and it seemed more like a king's mantle than my same old blanket. It was the mantle of a king who emanated goodness, and He had laid that goodness over me, over my life, as a generous gift. That goodness became my reality and felt total peace and joy.
For that moment I felt that nothing bad had ever or would ever happen to me. It was like breathing goodness or swimming in it. And yet after that fleeting glimpse ended, I said, "But Lord, it still hurts sometimes." Just then, in my mind, I saw myself walking with my son. His feet hurt and he was tired, but I knew we were going someplace truly wonderful. (I didn't have a specific place in mind and I don't think there is anywhere on earth that compares to the wonder and awe I perceived to be surrounding this Place, but maybe as a crude comparison we could say it was Disneyland). I could tell my son about "Disneyland" but he couldn't really understand, since he'd never been there before. All he knew was that his feet hurt, but I knew that if only he knew where we were going and what it meant, he would not think about his aching feet.
It is a timeless comparison, but it suddenly seemed very real and true to me. I had for a moment tasted the awesome goodness of God toward me, and experienced a taste of where those who call Jesus their Lord are headed. I hope I can keep that perspective in whatever comes. I pray that He helps me remember.
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