Another Alaska story

Our trips to Alaska were two rather frightening experiences for this city girl. I feel lonely and overwhelemed in open spaces, and for each trip I remember praying a lot for protection and strength. Before our second trip I had an interesting experience in prayer. I was awake but the room I was in seemed to be like a peaceful campsite all of a sudden, and I felt the Lord assuring me that no harm would come to us on the trip. In particular, I somehow knew that we would not be harmed by bears.

Despite that experience in prayer, I still struggled with being terribly afraid. Everyday it was an act of will to turn to God in faith and to draw on Him for strength to keep going (it was a gruelling trip since there are no trails in Denali, just wilderness. We had to use a topo map to decide where to hike, which sometimes led to surprises).

Towards the end of our week backpacking, we made our way down a river valley that was full of dense willow bushes. These bushes are taller than people and can easily hide even large animals like bears or moose. We made as much noise as possible to warn animals in the vicinity that we were coming (sometimes a bad confrontation can be avoided if surprise is eliminated from the equation). But nonetheless we were pretty tense and eager to get out of that valley.

It was hard to tell from our topo map where the river would be good to cross, and we came to a point where we were considering fording the river. I prayed a moment, and felt that we should not cross, but keep going as we were. Not much further along, I glanced across the river and saw a mother grizzly with two cubs headed upstream on the opposite bank. They were maybe 50 feet away, though in my memory they were almost close enough to touch. My heart stopped and I stared at her. She glanced at me and just kept walking. When I had calmed down enough to think, I realized that if we had crossed the river, there was a good chance we would have been nose to nose with her. I remember very clearly that at that moment the Lord spoke to me and said, You see, I am able to keep you from harm.

The best bologna sandwich ever

My last post reminded me of an answered prayer story I have from one of our Alaska trips. Kurt and I had been backpacking the wilderness of Denali National Park for 8 days and our food was running low. I was pregnant at the time and I thought all of our food tasted like white gas--"all" of our food being, as I recall, mostly peanut M&M's and half a bag of wheat thins. I was very hungry and anxious to get out to the road and catch a bus back to the entrance area and the restaurant there.

As we were approaching the road and my heart soared with anticipation of getting out of the woods, Kurt said that he wanted to catch the bus in the opposite direction to see Mt. McKinley--a two hour ride with no food along the way. I told him i was starving and couldn't wait any longer, but he *really* wanted to go. As I was fuming silently to myself, the Lord asked me why I had come on the trip. Well, for Kurt, I replied. Then let him go see the mountain. But Lord, I'm so hungry! I will provide food for you.

I had a little crisis of faith there--was I really hearing Him say that? But I decided to trust and agreed to go to see the mountain with Kurt. Not 10 minutes later on the bus ride, this guy in front of us turned around and said, "hey, we're getting off at the next stop and can't take all this food with us. Do you want it?" My jaw about hit the floor. We got Cliff bars and baked goodies and jerky and a vegetarian bologna sandwich. Not something I would normally have chosen from a menu, but I tell you I ate every bite with tears of thanksgiving. I don't think it could have tasted better if it were a steak dinner.

Horribly good

A good friend of mine is a chaplain at a hospital, and yesterday she shared a story with me that really impacted me. She talked to a woman the other day who told her that nothing bad had ever happened in her life. My friend asked what she meant, and the woman replied that God is good and sovereign, and everything that has happened to her as His child has therefore been good. She shared how she was once in a terrible accident and had to stay in the hospital. There was a baby there at that time who had no mother, and this woman ended up adopting the child. It was a great blessing in her life that she would have missed had she not been in the hospital. She saw all of the events of her life in that way--everything that happened was for good. I was stunned by her faith, and envious of it!

This morning I was thinking about it and told God I wanted that faith. Sometimes I feel like bad things happen by mistake, like" if I had only done X then this wouldn't have happened." Or maybe I felt like God had looked away for a moment and forgotten me. But I wanted to believe with every fiber of my being, like that woman, that truly "all things work together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to His purpose. " (Rom 8:28)

I looked back over my life for a bit. I've been abused, struggled with depression, and known uncertainty, hunger and terror in the Alaskan wilderness--and seen God's protection and provision. In even the darkest moment of my life, I had to admit that there seemed to be a "glow" about the memories. He was there. It brought to mind a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love: "[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." It is SO true! He goes on to say that the saved will say in the end that they had always been in heaven. I believe that it's true.

But Lord, I asked, what about the people suffering all over the world? That can't be good, can it? Are you ignoring them? And then it came to mind that God's purpose at all times in every place and generation is to bring people to Himself. The goal is to restore relationship, a relationship that every person was created to have with Him for eternity. But He won't force people to love or acknowledge Him. He made them free, free to love or reject Him. He may withdraw His hand of protection and allow the enemy to cause suffering, but the goal is not the pain itself, which He feels with them, but the goal is that they might turn to Him in their need and find peace and fulfillment, true rest, in relationship with Him. I knew it was true, but it still felt wrong. Then He asked me Is a dentist's drill evil? It is the most horrible instrument I can think of, but no, it isn't evil. Its a tool for good. And that, I realized, is what suffering is.

Alarm clock

This morning I woke up just before 6 and a couple of people who needed prayer came to mind. I started praying for them but soon began falling back to sleep. I fought the sleepiness, determined to keep on in prayer. Kurt's alarm went off, and the song on the radio was Led Zeppelin's All of My Love. Made me laugh cause it seemed like that was what it would take to stay awake and pray. The thought crossed my mind that I should have gotten up and gone to the other room (that is, get away from my pillow) but I told myself I could stay awake. Hmmm.

Just before I was fully asleep, I asked God to help me stay awake. Kurt's alarm went off again. I popped back awake and kept praying. I started to doze...Lord help me stay awake! Then the trashtruck came by and I was wide awake again. Again I started praying, and when I started to doze I asked for help, and this time the firetruck across the street honked its horn. This cycle continued for a long time. Every time I asked for help something would wake me up again: the firetruck again, Kurt saying goodbye for the day, the firetruck again. By 8:30 I managed to finish praying, just moments before I heard my kids awake in their room. I kind of had to laugh about it all. Thanks, Lord, for being such a faithful alarm clock.

orange chicken

This happened last week, and I am just now able to get to sharing. Wednesday I woke up and for some reason thought that I just had to have orange chicken stir fry for dinner. It just sounded really good to me. A little later that morning on Rachael Ray's show, she was making...you guessed it...orange chicken stir fry. I planned to run to the store and buy the ingredients. As I was getting the kids ready to leave, it occurred to me that I should bring Kurt some extra lunch, because I thought maybe what I had packed wouldn't be enough (he's running these days and I tend to underestimate his appetite). I grabbed some leftovers and the kids and headed out the door.

On the way to the store I had this feeling I needed to go see Kurt first. But then Ellie was getting tired and I was a little tired and thought, "Oh, Kurt will be fine. I don't need to drive all the way to VC for extra lunch." I was about to get off the freeway for the store, when I felt this sense I really needed to go to VC anyway. I knew it was the Lord leading me, so I turned off my blinker.

When I got there, Kurt was happy to see us but said he actually didn't need the food because he still had some other lunch left from the day before. ugh. Waste of time. But then a coworker of his came in and it turned out that she needed a lunch. Oh, OK. Not a wasted trip afterall.

By the time we got out of there Ellie was so tired and cranky I knew I had to skip the store and get her home for a nap. There wouldn't be another opportunity that day for a trip to the store. I was bummed about the orange chicken but there was nothing to be done about it.

Later that day I got a call from a friend who just happened to be going to a grocery store in my neighborhood and wanted to know if I needed anything. (!) I know I didn't *ask* God for the orange chicken, but I suspected that this was His little reward for obeying His leading earlier in the day. Seems like a fair trade--give a meal, get a meal. :)

Anxiousness about food

I get really overwhelmed by all of the information out there concerning what to eat and what not to eat, and in what proportions and with what other foods at the same time. There's so much research and people are always changing their minds. It left me feeling this constant anxiety, like no matter what I ate, it was going to be the wrong thing. Hunger seemed like a better option a lot of the time!

Tuesday morning I was sharing my anxieties with the Lord, and the food issue came up. I asked Him to help me know what to eat so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. He answered me with a question. Why are you so anxious to preserve your body, as though I am not Lord over it?

I was wasting energy worrying about "what to eat and drink" just as Jesus commanded us not to. He told us that the Father knows even the hairs on our heads and feeds the sparrows. And the sparrows don't obsess over whether their breadcrumbs are whole grain or not. If they could speak, they would just give thanks.

God also answered my request for wisdom. I've been thinking about something a good friend shared with me, and found that it's really true: our bodies tell us what they want to eat. Want a chocolate bar? Eat it. Tomorrow you'll want a salad. And it's true! Sometimes it's just my brain telling me to eat something sweet or comforty, and thats the voice of something more like an addiction. But when I listen to my stomach, I find myself wanting a good healthy variety of foods. Problem solved. What a major relief!!

What about you?

How has God answered your prayers?

$1000

In our first year of marriage, Kurt and I didn't have much money. He was working in construction and it rained a lot that year so the job sites would close. I really don't know how it worked out every month, but somehow all of our bills got paid and we always had food.

A couple of times I got to see God answer prayer almost miraculously. One of those times was on a Friday. The rent was due Monday and we were short by about $600. There were no paychecks coming. I sat in my apartment freaking out, wondering about the worst. I told God that I knew He said He'd provide, but it was so hard to believe when I couldn't see any way that we were going to get money, especially that much money, before Monday. He answered me What would you do today if you had the money for rent? Um, well...I'd go to the zoo and draw. If you trust Me, then go and draw as if you already had the money. I didn't know if I could do it. I wanted to close the shades and sit and mope. But I decided to take God at His word, so I picked up my sketchbook and shoved my own little backside out the door.

I had a great day drawing, and stopped worrying. When I got home, there was a check for $1000 in our mailbox. A relative had sent it, not knowing we had any need at all.

A Tap on the Shoulder

Remember how I said I wanted to share all of my thoughts with God? I still forget to do it most of the time. Thankfully, though, He wants to help me. On a couple of occasions I was thinking deeply about desires or concerns I had, and suddenly God seemed to tap me on the shoulder, making His presence known to me. And He seemed to say, "My dear one, tell me what you're thinking about." I could feel how much He cared, like my deep concerns were just as deep to Him. We had such a sweet intimacy as I shared with Him, and He also blessed me with wisdom and peace in response. Very much like we were having a two-way conversation. I hope I get to the point where I don't need to be tapped on the shoulder anymore because I don't want to miss out on any of this relationship.

Love to you all! ~Jenn

Learning about Healing

Something that I've really wanted to understand is about praying for healing. Jesus told people that it was their faith that healed them, and the gospels record that He didn't do miracles in certain places due to the the people's lack of faith.

I can definitely say that I have not had much faith for healings in the past. How could I believe that God would heal someone if I didn't know that that was what He wanted to do? So many people pray and don't get healed. Do they all have too little faith? Maybe it was just that God didn't want to heal in those cases. So one day it occurred to me: Ask Him. I was so tired of guessing at what He thought was good. I wanted to know Him. And I knew that whatever He wanted to do, heal or not, would be good.

Every prayer was a little different. One time, a friend of mine was sick in the hospital after undergoing some treatments, and each day as I prayed, the Lord would lay different needs on my heart. I got to see God answering those needs directly. I would become aware of a specific need and feel God's great compassion. Then I simply asked the Lord to care for it. He was laying His own desires on my heart and then doing the work to care for them. I truly became just a vessel for His love and power.

At first I had thought that the goal was to see miracles, but I have learned through these experiences of asking His will that He often just works through natural systems like medicine or an immune system to care for people. I think He was often protecting people from further harm. And sometimes He intervened in clearly miraculous ways. But the common factor is His care for His people.