When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Thy consolations delight my soul

Ps 94:19

Coming up short

Lately I've had a lot to do and just haven't been able to do any of it. or hardly any of it. And what I do get done I feel like its not done very well. So I've been sad and feeling pretty weak. Its a good place to be, because like all these other times in my life when I've felt low, I've been in a place of wonderful communion with God. I have to seek Him on purpose because it doesn't come naturally at all. But I need Him so I go. And I really find Him near. ("Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." So easy to forget that the first part is a conscious choice on our part--its up to us!)

But this feeling of coming up short in everything has affected my relationship with Him too. I found myself praying today and desperately seeking out something in me that must be keeping us apart. I felt distant in some way from Him. I thought I needed to be closer or should be and that the distant feeling was because I was not really giving myself to Him somehow. Like everything else in life I figured I was coming up short in His eyes too.

So I kept jabbering on in prayer asking Him to show me what needed to change, when He broke in and said, "Child, I delight in you." Huh? That didn't seem to answer the question, yet it gave me so much peace. But then it became clear. I had been trying to make myself more lovable to Him and was frightened I wouldn't find the right words or do the right thing. But I'm seeking Him, and that's what he asks. "Seek Me and find Me when you seek with all your heart." And "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well." It's not about being right so much as just running after Him, being with Him. That pleases His heart. And then He'll lead us "in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."