Unbelievable Joy

Tonight I woke up sick, the really painful, miserable, drive-you-out-of-your-mind

kind of sick. As I sat up enduring it, I turned my mind and heart to the Lord, asking for His presence and help to endure the suffering until it had run its course (and of course for His mercy to end it). At some moments my pain was so intense I could barely keep Him in mind, but I determined not to give in to pain and let it consume me. Instead I determined to fix my mind and hope on my Lord and wait for Him to answer my cry for mercy.

It was surprisingly short-lived, and when it ended, I was left with a such a tremor of joy--He was so near. I felt almost a euphoria of peace, and so much joy welled up inside of me at being so near to Him. It wasn't merely relief at the end of suffering; I felt as though I were in heaven already, with Him, and it seemed to me that I couldn't remember ever having suffered before in my life. If you had asked me at that moment, I would have said with perfect honesty that I hadn't!

Immediately I realized that it was the perfect picture of what I had experienced earlier this morning, when the Lord showed me how I was covered by His goodness and headed to a destiny that was so unbelievably good it would overwhelm anything I had ever called "suffering". In fact, I thought of Carol's words in response to a previous entry--that we would look back and call the times we suffered the best times. The closeness to God and the joy I experienced as a result of this short trial made me give such thanks to God, and to see this trial as a GIFT. My friends, my fellow believers in Jesus Christ, we are headed to something unspeakably, unbelievably good. It is here for us now and goes on to eternity. I never would have imagined that suffering was part of the abundant life, but it turns out somehow that it is necessary to it, and the suffering itself is turned into a glory. Praise God whose goodness truly knows no limit!

Horribly good

A good friend of mine is a chaplain at a hospital, and yesterday she shared a story with me that really impacted me. She talked to a woman the other day who told her that nothing bad had ever happened in her life. My friend asked what she meant, and the woman replied that God is good and sovereign, and everything that has happened to her as His child has therefore been good. She shared how she was once in a terrible accident and had to stay in the hospital. There was a baby there at that time who had no mother, and this woman ended up adopting the child. It was a great blessing in her life that she would have missed had she not been in the hospital. She saw all of the events of her life in that way--everything that happened was for good. I was stunned by her faith, and envious of it!

This morning I was thinking about it and told God I wanted that faith. Sometimes I feel like bad things happen by mistake, like" if I had only done X then this wouldn't have happened." Or maybe I felt like God had looked away for a moment and forgotten me. But I wanted to believe with every fiber of my being, like that woman, that truly "all things work together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to His purpose. " (Rom 8:28)

I looked back over my life for a bit. I've been abused, struggled with depression, and known uncertainty, hunger and terror in the Alaskan wilderness--and seen God's protection and provision. In even the darkest moment of my life, I had to admit that there seemed to be a "glow" about the memories. He was there. It brought to mind a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love: "[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." It is SO true! He goes on to say that the saved will say in the end that they had always been in heaven. I believe that it's true.

But Lord, I asked, what about the people suffering all over the world? That can't be good, can it? Are you ignoring them? And then it came to mind that God's purpose at all times in every place and generation is to bring people to Himself. The goal is to restore relationship, a relationship that every person was created to have with Him for eternity. But He won't force people to love or acknowledge Him. He made them free, free to love or reject Him. He may withdraw His hand of protection and allow the enemy to cause suffering, but the goal is not the pain itself, which He feels with them, but the goal is that they might turn to Him in their need and find peace and fulfillment, true rest, in relationship with Him. I knew it was true, but it still felt wrong. Then He asked me Is a dentist's drill evil? It is the most horrible instrument I can think of, but no, it isn't evil. Its a tool for good. And that, I realized, is what suffering is.